it doesn't matter what you do. how good you are, or what you accomplish.
death is the greatest equalizer. it really doesn't matter in a universal sense, who loved you, how nice you were, or what you did for anyone else.
what kind of status you held. how fabulous your credit score was, or who remembers you after you died.
it's all the same. might as well do what you like!
for some it means, fucking around, doing drugs, feeling good... or achieving status and walking around like some peacock... or trying to be a good person and doing what you think you should do. this is such a ridiculous vacuum, a terrible mess, a sandbox. we are stuck in the same room and we are all tripping out!
what's terrible is that everything is a goddamn distraction. pollution. religion. emotions. family. friends. drugs. having a good car. nice dishes. skills. collection of books, like collecting pokemon. values. heaven and hell. you realize this at the zenith of waste... i tried watching dazed and confused again. you know 70s highschool kids, who have the nicest of styles, each one of them has enough resources to get a car, or make friends with someone who has one... no worries about food or getting a good job... and what do they do with this freedom? this spare time at the start of summer? they run around paddling one another! they get drunk. have sex, make whoopie, smoke pot and threaten each other, beat each other up and show off to one another.
i am accused of being sophomoric. i am accused of emo existentialism. (isnt existentialism and emo the same thing??) i am accused of not being sophisticated. only bored people think like you! only teenagers and people who are retired want to become one with the tao!
it's just, open your eyes and what do you see?
i can think this and still do my job. i can be concerned with the bigger picture and still be swamped and overwhelmed... we can wander around at places and think at a certain level.. plateaus so deleuze and guattari call them. interface at the api layer if you like that computer analogy. i don't know!
for many ppl who they are is their career. and i find myself judging ppl at that as well, even though as i get to know them, their capabilities their stories and personalities...
i am finding as time goes on that meaning is contingent, it's something that is inter-mix and somehow thats okay for a while, but then i get used to it; moving with purpose and things fitting together... but then it's all jouissant nonsense when we keep building up and out and then i look up again and see something else...
at first it seems better in my head, than what's out there but then i find that everything else is as magical and antithetical as much as anything else -- more than anything else, unimaginable and at the same time rift with direction and contingency... without necessity -- all is grander than can be expressed and at the time same disappointing and breathless all at once.
- Music:the chemical brothers snow
I think that I am about aesthetically complex (personally) as an anime character.
No i don't mean one of those tortured anime characters who are DEEP. And no, I don't mean Serial Experiments: Lain. I mean an anime character like... well... from pokemon... I'd probably be one of the gym trainers. or a professor...or one of those odd pokemon experts of some sort... yeah...
i watched a pokemon movie with my brother today while having dinner. Man, pokemon is a terrible cartoon.
Hegel is wrong. the absolute truth cannot be an essential unity so essential that it is devoid of specific phenomena. such a relationship would toss out THE REST OF THE WORLD it's not seperate or embedded or a comment; it's overlaid immanent.
the absolute truth is not missing the rest of everything else.
- Music:mgmt time to pretend
...truth? trith is just finding an essential unity of a myriad of phenomena.
hegel was so right.
god damn hegel.
- Music:mgmt time to pretend
this is a new filter.
i never make new filters... and when i do i use them like, once.
anyway i am really discontent right now, with a great many things.
i would like some support or some kind of love... or something fucking response. i am really introverted but i've put myself out there in a big way... but you know what? no one goddamn cares. apathy for our seminar... is reflected in the apathy of people in general. consumer apathy. voter apathy. the malaise of the millineium. for people, it's all about themself and how they are made to feel. capitalism is one of those goddamn things that cater to the underbelly of what makes a person person... that squishy sense of oooh and wonder. we have it pressed all the time by marketing... by tv shows, by comedians... by books, magazines..., from the sugary ketchup packets we get in school lunches all the way to fucking las fucking vegas. everywhere you go there, it's ass and tits. bright lights, shiney noises, exotic and refined looking stores made to get our attention to make ourselves into something shiney. something sexual. something whatever. when i was in the wynn casino going to i forget what shiney cafe there was some techno music playing. i noticed how everyone was in step, most everyone. with the music. i pointed it out to steph and she thought it was great. not that it was oh, a jetta commercial moment or a wrinkle in time moment or a one flew over the cukoo's nest moment... not even as an instep with the rest of humanity moment... just the visual as being great. i found it creepy, especially in vegas. solider-shoppers. i didn't even go on a 3 day weekend and the place was still full of people. the parking lots in the casinos were full of cars... level after level of them. ppl just go there to escape or SOMETHING. go fucking stare at the bellago fountains... or the cirque del sol half naked contortionists...
i so disagree in a big way with society in general's values. but i'm a hypocrite too. i'm in debt cuz i like eating out. i like drinking, i like alot of things and i spend too much money on it. but i'm not advocating hording. that's stupid. fuck video games. fuck immersive environments. fuck books. is it really teaching us anything worth while? fuck the stock market. that's not an indicator of society's health. that's not an indicator of anything, just how ppl think stock is great. i dont think the human race is going to shit in a handbasket... but i do think we are stupid. everyone thinks for themself about what's best for them. what's the most comfortable thing to do. we are semi-intelligent about our future, saving. planning.... but there's no big picture. no one knows what that is. the revolution that so mystified hunter s thompson lost its huge wave coming out of san francisco and died before it reached vegas... that revolution was ill planned. a stupid pipe dream. concocted by a bunch of acid head young people. as dumb as 'financial planning' of which many many many MANY people lost their savings in the dot.com bust. many people lost their 'savings' in aftermath of the summer of 2008 real estate market crash. it's the same phenomenon as people rubber necking to watch a traffic accident. a few seconds for everyone makes it bumper to bumper for EVERYONE.
ok granted. my company in vegas wasn't the most uplifting and happy ppl. ppl who are mostly upbeat but also really unhappy with their life. who can't seem to line their ducks properly. i guess i am one of those people. i am one of those knocking away at the most apathetic of people -- business owners. property managers. risk managers. building administrators. the people who should be business minded who should be objective but aren't because guess what? THEY ARE STILL PEOPLE. people who are worried about their job. about their children's health. who can't give a fuck about the french revolution. who care more about the latest nike or a laker's victory parade... or their fucking character in WoW.
ok maybe no special filter. no filter at all. who would be offended? i'm no hunter s thompson. i read part of his autobiography -- that which he put in his letters for years and years right up to before he started doing acid. i mean, i am not a journalist. i am not standing in the side lines, looking to tell the next great story. i dont think i am even a writer anymore, not like how i was before. i'm certain im not a philosopher either. not like how i was before... i think i was those things more so when i didn't know anything. i still don't know anything. that makes me a business person. once i learn about business then i'll probably not be that either, because then it will be so limited and stupid.
no one told me that you can get this angry when you're 31. i mean, it was interesting. to some degree. but i think that if i went ahead and told someone else this, in this kind of detail, most people would just be too numb to say very much... just shrug it off like we do fox news or cnn or whatever thing we're supposed to be outraged at... the story or the people telling it. might as well go scream into the grand canyon.